Wow what a life I have ….

I never thought I would be where I am, but here I am.
My story is full of self loathing, hating me…I have always felt like the ugly duckling. The last four years I have grown in so many ways.

Truth is I changed my life 7 years ago. I didn’t like myself. Not one bit. I knew I was headed down a road of some very strong depression if I did not take control. The first change I made…I quit smoking. The absolutely hardest and best thing I did for me!!! My son who is 17, doesn’t even remember mom as a smoker. And my daughter who is 25 and married with one sweet boy and a baby on the way….my grand babies will never know Mi Mi as a stinky smoker. Yeah every now and then again…I will think time for a smoke, and then I laugh because I know no matter what is going on I won’t give in and have one. The next change I made….was more personal. Inside I knew I wasn’t happy. I had gained 40 pounds of weight once I gave up smoking, yes my appetite came back so did my sense of smell and taste. I decided I wanted to change. I joined a Rejuv Medical. They hooked me up with a trainer, boot camps. Most importantly they taught me all about clean eating. I worked out, changed how I ate and lost the weight.
Before you know it, I was happier, smiling more. I just felt better inside and it reflected on the outside. I have sort of fallen off the clean eating and working out wagon the last year or so but there is more to my story.

During this time frame, my daughter met and married a marine. She moved away from home. She left Minnesota and started her married life in North Carolina. I died inside. I was miserable. I love my son. But I hated my life. My marriage was in the dumps, it never was the real deal for me or him. I told him I was unhappy and that we weren’t really a couple. We were more like roommates who had kids together, I was willing to change but he had to change to. We needed to do couple things together. For a short time period, it was good, but it didn’t take long for both of us to fall back into our roommate status.
My son-in-law had already done one tour in Iraq, before they were married. And then at his orders came again he was being deployed to Afghanistan. My daughter was young, newly married, pregnant and too far from family. I flew out to North Carolina, helped my daughter pack up the car of only what she couldn’t live without, put the rest in storage, and we drove back to Minnesota. It was during this time, I sort of already knew my marriage was over, but I didn’t know if I could just leave. I knew what I needed to do, and why. When my daughter and I arrived home, you know how you feel about seeing your love after being away from each other, the butterflies in the tummy, heart skipping…yeah my husband walked out to greet us and I looked at him and felt absolutely nothing. And in my mind I thought…fake it. I smiled and acted happy, for the next year. Our grandson was born and I was in gramma mode and I was there for my daughter. It wasn’t too long and my son in law was due to come home, so I packed up my daughter, grandson and her German Shepard for the drive back to North Carolina.
When I came home I went into Me mode. I continued to pretend I was happy. On the inside I was dying.
And then I started reconnecting with friends from high school. In particular a brother of a classmate I was trying to find. Long story short I almost cheated. I wanted to cheat with this man. And before anything happened, we both decided not to. He didn’t want to the man who broke up my marriage, and it turns out I didn’t want to be a cheater. I told my husband I wanted a divorce. I told him I was unhappy and had been for along time. I even told him I almost cheated. He felt betrayed and blindsided. And I finally started to feel alive. I was making choices for myself. May 2012 I moved out, into a apartment. I immediately retained a lawyer, and started dating. On December 31,2012 the judge signed off on my divorce.

I already mentioned I was dating. I signed up on an online dating site. Met quite a few men. Dated and partied a lot. I was wild, careless and just having fun. Again in this process, I was growing. I was going out and doing things I did not get to when I was younger and doing things I didn’t do because my ex-husband didn’t want. I thought I would like being single and on my own, I realized I still didn’t like me. If I don’t love myself no man will love me. I got back on track working out and eating right, I was still going out a lot but I was taking care of me. 4 months prior to my divorce becoming final, I started dating a man. We saw each other all through the last months of my divorce becoming final. Two weeks after my divorce was final, I stopped dating the “in between” man. I knew then that I needed to work on me and find the right man for me. I left my marriage and old life, to have the life I always dreamed of. And I seriously just started dating again. Most men only got two dates and then they were just a number in my phone. Online dating….that is subject for another blog. During this time I met a man online. I originally looked at his profile. I was interested but He was a red flag for me. He was 40 (3 years younger), never married and had no kids. I am 43, divorced, had kids. I am a gramma. I thought there is no way this man will even give me a chance. I figured he wants a younger woman in her early 30s, get married and have kids. I can’t have anymore kids, I had a hysterectomy 3 months after my son was born. So I just looked at him once or twice, little did I know… Steve was just out a bad, very bad relationship. And the dating site notified him of the payment going through. I think the site may have even said a new lady had joined and looked at his profile. So he popped online and saw that I looked at his profile a couple of times, but I didn’t message him. So he checked my profile out and then he messaged me. Steve & I started online chatting, a lot of laughing. Something was different about him. We had a lot of mutual flirting going on. He told me he was looking for his someone special to spend the rest of his life with. He no longer even wanted children. I found that hard to believe….I tried to get a date with him, but he had figured me out…he didn’t want two dates and then just be another number saved in my phone. So he took a chance….he told me “go date, you’re not ready for me.” I was like WTF? But I dated…and made sure he knew when I was out on a date. One man even got 3 dates out of me while I was trying to get Steve’s attention. He immediately backed off when I told him I was getting exclusive with another man. Long story short by the third date with exclusive man….I was thinking I had to let him down easy….and tell Steve I wanted to be exclusive with him. You see Steve told me he wasn’t playing the dating game. And my heart already knew Steve was the one for me. From the very first time we met, our very first date…has become my very firsts in so many ways. We went on our first date the day after his 40th birthday February 10th, 2013. And my life has so much more than I ever dreamed it would be. We had our second date on Valentine’s Day, yes just 4 days after our first date….February 14th, 2013 by far my best valentine date ever, my only Valentine day date ever! And the day I feel, head over heals, hopelessly in love with Steve.
We have had our ups and downs. He is the first one in my heart and on my mind when I awake each morning and the last one I think of when I sleep.

So in all my growing, I found me. I love me more than I ever did as a child, and teenager. I found my true love, Steve! We got engaged April 6th, 2014 and we are getting married April 11th, 2015!

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4 thoughts on “Wow what a life I have ….

  1. This is a beautiful story! I know how it feels to doubt the person you are and not like the person staring back at you! I’m so glad you found yourself and found love (with my pretty awesome Uncle). I’m still working on me just like you were, and your story gives me hope that things will get better and before you can love another person, you need to learn to love yourself! Stay strong, love you and I can’t wait for you wedding!!

    Love,
    Ashley

    1. Thank you my dear! I have been on here for at least a year and haven’t done anything until recently. I used to journal for many years, and well I thought this could be a way for me to write again. Steve asked me when I was younger what did I want to be….I wanted to be a writer. So who knows maybe I will dabble with it! So glad to have another way to stay connected with you! How is wedding planning going for Amber & Dustin.

      Hugs & smooches,
      Amy

      1. I think that is awesome! I love writing, I just don’t do it for fun much anymore (wrote too many papers in school). I think you should keep writing 🙂 Wedding plans are going well, its hard to coordinate it all while she’s at school though! How are yours and Uncle Steve’s plans going?

        Love,
        Ashley

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